You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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