I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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