i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
