my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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