I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
