Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
