i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
