sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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