When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
it hurts more in the daytime
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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