two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
