My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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