no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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