I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
