well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
