yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
