Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
