Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
