Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Randomize
