Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
