Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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