I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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