i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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