Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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