I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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