I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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