I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
