wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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