brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you made out with another girl for some wings
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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