I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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