i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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