You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
