Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
