pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
