I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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