and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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