the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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