6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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