I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
