she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
