I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
