The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
