Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
