im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
