It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
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