I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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