It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
