His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
