She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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