hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
