why do cheetos always look like penises
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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