hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
