So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
