i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
