Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
